Calls I've taken part 2:
This, I have seen. Take me to page 3.
- This actually happens more often than I'd like to admit but...
"Hi, I'm having problems with the...in..inte..r..net, this online thing."
Right away sensing that this is an Evil Call From Hell: "Okay, what kind of problem are you having?"
"Well I connect just fine but then it doesn't do anything."
"Doesn't do anything?"
"Yeah, it just sits there, what do I do? I mean I opened up this "online services" thing and installed Compuserve but that just put an icon on my desktop and I don't want it there so how do I get rid of that?"
"Okay sir, if you want to actually do anything after you get connected you need to open up your web browser. It's usually Internet Explorer."
"That's all I can use then?"
"Well no, there are other browsers, but IE is the one that comes with windows and is what most people have."
"Oh, so how do I get this icon off my desktop?"
"*mental sigh* Click on the icon and press the delete key."
"I don't have an icon key!!"
"No sir, CLICK on the ICON then PRESS the DELETE KEY."
"Oh...I...wait...I don't understand."
"Okay sir, that icon isn't going to cause you any problems, so why don't we just leave it there for now and just don't click on it."
"Okay, so why doesn't this inter..net..thing do anything once I connect???"
"Because you need to open up Internet Explorer after you connect to do anything; once you open IE you'll be able to get webpages."
"Oh..okay...bye."
Ayiyiyiyi...
- Cust: "Hey, I've talked to maybe 3 different techs tonight and I still can't get on."
Me(and of course there's no ticket): "Okay, what seems to be the problem?"
Cust: "Well, my modem makes one beep noise then nothing."
Me: "Okay, let's check to make sure the phone number's still in there." Phone number is intact.
"Okay ma'am, it looks like you'll need to call Compaq, it sounds like your modem is close to shot."
Cust: "But it worked this morning!!!"
Me: "Well ma'am, hardware dies. It's like any other piece of machinery."
Cust: "Okay..." So she scurries off to call Compaq and 10 minutes later calls me back.
"Compaq says my modem's fine."
Me: "...but it still won't dial out after rebooting and/or turning the machine off?"
Cust: "Nope."
Me: "Then that means that there's either something wrong with your modem or your phone lines. If it's your modem, you need to take the machine into a shop and have it either repaired or replaced. If you think it's your phone lines, you need to get the phone company out there."
Cust: "But Compaq says my modem is fine, I know this is because of your crappy service, my winmodem is top of the line! That's what they told me!"
Me: "Ma'am, if YOUR modem isn't dialing out, the problem is not on OUR end. If YOUR modem in YOUR machine isn't dialing properly, and all of your settings are correct, the only two culprits are either the phone lines or YOUR modem. I really would suggest getting your computer checked out, but if you don't want to do that, there's really nothing else we can do for you here."
So she goes on about how our service sucks and she's always getting disconnected(funny, I thought her modem wouldn't dial out), and how our service broke her modem, ad nauseum...then she hung up.
- Last night(10/19/00) I got my ear chewed off by a very irate old man. I didn't even finish my robot phone answering line before he started bitching about how we were jerking him around, we suck, we're still jerking him around, we broke his computer, our techs are stupid, his son "who's an AOL tech" is so much smarter, you know the drill...his problem:
IE's content advisor had turned itself on, set the level to high, and made up its' own password. It's a known bug in IE, and the fix is more of a pain that just reinstalling IE.
This guy went off on me for over 10 minutes about how this was our fault and when were we going to get our servers fixed so he didn't get this error, and how his son the "AOL tech" said that it was our fault and that his machine was perfectly fine, blah blah blah blah...so by this point I'm thoroughly irritated and cut him off with "Sir, the problem you're having is a KNOWN ISSUE with MICROSOFT'S Internet Explorer. It has NOTHING to do with our systems, our systems couldn't cause that error on your machine anyway. This is a software problem on YOUR computer"
"-- but my son, he's an AOL tech, he said that..."
"Sir, I don't care what he said, the problem your having is with the install of IE you have on YOUR machine. It's easily fixed by reinstalling IE. If you have a CD I can walk you through that right now."
"I don't have a CD. You guys said you'd send me one MONTHS ago and you never did! I haven't been able to use this for months!!"(Christ, then why didn't you call earlier you old coot?!?)
"Well sir, we have no control over what happens to packages once the post office gets ahold of them, but I'll put you down for another CD okay?"
"Fine, *rattles off his address at Pissed Off Old Man Speed(tm)*, and you'd better damn well make sure I get it this time!!"
"Okay sir, I'll tell you what, the CD will go out on Monday most likely, if you don't have it within two weeks, you give us a call and let us know instead of waiting for 3 months okay?"
"*grumble* Well...okay...so you're telling me this is a problem with Microsoft's software?"
"Yep."
"Then I don't need to take my computer into the shop and have it fixed? And it doesn't need to be sent back to HP?"
"Nope. The problem you're having is pretty simple to fix, who told you you'd have to go through all of that?"
"My son."(remember, he's the AOL tech who knows everything)
"*not wanting to scream "YOUR SON'S A BLOODY IDIOT!!!"* "Hmm, well your son must've misunderstood what kind of problem you were having." <--- this is me being polite. ;)
"Yeah, that's probably it. He works for AOL in tech support you know, he's pretty smart."(Yah, yah, whatever) So then this guy starts apologizing for going off at me, then says "You better make sure I get that CD." and hangs up.
- Woman called up saying she was having problems connecting. Fine, normal problem. So, she tells me that she was able to get connected, but then she got an Illegal Operation message and couldn't get connected again. I stupidly ask, "Which program caused the error", thinking she's bright enough to know.
"I dunno."
"Oookay...what do you double click on to connect to the internet?"
"I dunno."
"*grrr* Okay, what program do you use for email?"
"I dunno."
"*banging head on desk* When was the last time you rebooted?"
"Well I shut it off then turned it on again but it still does that."
"Okay what do you double click on that causes that error?"
"I dunno."
At this point I'm wondering how she managed to dial the phone, and since we can't just reinstall programs without knowing WHICH programs are causing the problem I ask, "Okay, ma'am do you have ANY idea what program is causing this error?"
"I dunno, could you tell me?"
Thinking "What is she ON?!", I say "Well, it could be one of ANY of the programs you have installed on your computer...do you have any recollection as to which program did this?"
"Nope."
"Okay, you need to call the manufacturer of your computer then and see if they can help you, or you need to get ahold of a family member or friend who's knowledgable about computers."
"Oh...okay."
Great, she's gone, right? NO!!! Less than 5 minutes later my phone rings...it's HER!!
"Hi, I'm having trouble connecting to the internet."
"Are you from *site*?"
"Yes."
"And did you just call?"
"Yes."
"Ma'am, I told you you need to call your computer's manufacturer or find someone who can help you with this. I CANNOT help you if I don't know which program is causing your errors."
"Oh....*click*"
- People who can't perform basic computer functions are the bane of my existence. *ahem*
Me: "Okay, so what seems to be the problem tonight?"
Cust: "I talked to another tech earlier tonight and he gave me another number to put in for *site name*, but it don't take."
Me: "'It don't take'? Could you be a little more specific?"
Cust: "It just don't take! It ain't working! I tried to follow the steps the other tech gave me but now all it does is dial 123456."
Me: "Okay, what OS are you running?"
Cust: *silence*
Me: "Sir? What operating system is your computer running?"
Cust: "Uhhhh.....I don't know...."
Me: "Well, is it running Windows?"
Cust: "I don't know...."
Me: "Do you have a My Computer icon?"
Cust: "Yes...."
Me: "Then it's running Windows. Are you running 95, 98 or 2000?"
Cust: "I...don't know...!!!"
Me: "Okay what kind of computer is it?"
Cust: "HP Pavillion"
Me: *groan* "Okay, then it's got 98."
Cust: "No! It's got Windows 2000 on it, I installed it over '98."
Me: "Um, sir, HPs tend to be very proprietary and non-upgradable both OS wise and Hardware wise!"(this is true for his particular model, and for many HP Pavillions. They're junk. Don't buy them. They're cheap for a reason).
Cust: "Well...so how do I change this number?"
Me: "Okay, first I want you to close any other windows and programs that you have open, then go into My Computer, then into Control Panel, then into Dialup Networking."
Cust: *silence...*
Me: "Sir? Are you in Dialup Networking?"
Cust: "I'm confused...I'm in My Computer...where do I go?"
Me: "Okay, you need to go into CONTROL PANEL, then into DIALUP NETWORKING."
Cust: *silence*"
Me: "Sir? Are you in Dialup Networking yet?"
Cust: "I'm in My Computer...where do I go now?"
Me: "Okay, you need to go into CONTROL PANEL, then into DIALUP NETWORKING."
Cust: "Double click?"
Me: *sigh* "Yes sir, double click on Control Panel then double click on Dialup Networking."(For those that don't know, this is how you get there in Win2k)
Now, on this note, all through this call I can hear what sounds like a modem picking up and hanging up, repeat, repeat, repeat..so I ask him:
"Sir, is your modem trying to dial...?"
Cust: "What? I don't know!! What's that clicking?!"
Me: "Sir, that's your modem...it's trying to dial, did you close all other programs like I asked you to at the beginning of the call?"
Cust: "No, did I have to? There's still this 'connect to' thing up that's dialing. I can't get it to go away!!!!"
Me: *banging head on desk thinking "NO, I just asked you to close everything because I felt like it!!!"* "Sir, is there a cancel button?"
Cust: "Yeah..."
Me: *deadpan* "Click it."
Cust: "Okay, it's gone, now what do I do?"
Me: *stupidly picking up where I left off thinking he's in DUN*, "Okay, now do you see your connection? Right click on it and..."
Cust: "I don't see my connection!!!"
Me: "Sir, are you in Dialup Networking?"
Cust: "Yes."
Me: "Okay, let's recreate the connection then, doubleclick on Make New Connection..."
Cust: "I don't have that, I only have A:\ 3 1\2 inch floppy, C:\, Contro--"
Me: "Sir, you're in My Computer! You need to be in Dialup Networking! Why did you tell me you were in DUN if you weren't?"
Cust: "You told me to close all my windows, besides, it's the same thing." **ARGH! Then why didn't he close My Computer?! Why just DUN?!?**
Me: "No it's not, but that's beside the point, now would you PLEASE doubleclick on Control Panel then doubleclick on DUN?"
Cust: "Okay...."
So, we get into DUN....easy? Right? NOOOOOOO....
Me: "Okay, right click on your conn--"
Cust: "It says 'Speednet, do not edit'!! What's that?!"
Me: "Nevermind that, do you have a *site name* icon?"
Cust: "Yep."
Me: "Okay, right click on that and go into properties."
Cust: "It just says "What's this?"
Me: "Sir, did you right click on Make New Connection?"
Cust: "No...I mean yeah..."
Me: "Sir, I need you to follow my directions if I'm going to be of any help to you okay, so please listen to me carefully."
Cust: "Fine. I know what I'm doing though."
Me: "Okay, please right click on *site name* connection and left click on properties."
Cust: "There ain't no properties!" At this point his modem starts to dial..he only has one phone line..."What was that?!?!?"
Me: "Sir, that was your modem trying to dial. Did you RIGHT CLICK on the icon like I asked?"
Cust: "No, I doubleclicked."
Me: "Sir, I NEED you to follow my instructions if you want my help. When I ask you to RIGHT CLICK on something, PLEASE right click on it."
Cust: "Oh...I don't see why it makes a difference."
So, we go in circles like that for maybe 20 minutes, and I figure out that he doesn't even HAVE a connection to our ISP in there!! He was FUCKING LYING THE WHOLE TIME!! He had this "speednet" thing that kept trying to dial 123456, so I had him delete that and we recreated a connection for the ISP he was with. So, I was going to create a shortcut for him, should be as easy as changing the phone number, right? W-R-O-N-G!
Me: "Okay, right click on the *site name* icon that we just created, and select 'create shortcut'."
Cust: "It just says 'What's this?'...!"
Me: *Thoughts of killing user* "Sir, did you right click on Make New Connection?"
Cust: "No...oh wait...yeah."
Me: "Sir, you NEED to RIGHT CLICK on the *CONNECTION FOR ISP* okay?"
Cust: "It just says What's This?"
Me: "Sir, please stop right clicking on Make New Connection!"
Cust: "I'm not!! Oh..wait..sorry, I was. Now what do I do?"
Me: "Right click on *connection for ISP* and select 'create shortcut'."
Cust: "I can't, it won't let me, it just says 'what's this'?"
Me: *I'm FUCKING SICK of this guy by now, it's been 45 minutes to change a goddamned phone number and I'm ready to kill him.* "Okay sir, let's just try this, AFTER we hang up here I want you to doubleclick on the connection we just made and see if it works, okay?"
Cust: *modem tries to dial* "It didn't work."
Me: "Sir, you only have one phone line, we have to hang up first."
Cust: "Oh...well, thanks!" *click*
I was about 2 seconds away from telling him he needed to find someone to teach him how to use his computer, and to take a class on listening skills.
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