Calls I've taken:
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- One guy SWORE to me he was double clicking on My Computer, double clicking on DUN, and right clicking/properties on his connection..when what he was REALLY doing was right clicking on the shortcut on his desktop and going to properties. The first time I asked if he was sure he'd followed my directions, and he said yes, so I said "okay, well somehow you ended up in the wrong place, close everything and we'll try again"...now...here are my EXACT instructions, tell me if they're unclear:
"Okay, now double click with the LEFT mouse button on the icon that says "My Computer", now double click Dial Up Networking with the LEFT mouse button(this guy asked "left or right button?" every fucking time!), then click on your connection with the RIGHT mouse button ONE time and click on Properties ONCE with the LEFT mouse button"
And he STILL ended up right clicking on the shortcut on the desktop, when I finally asked if he was doing that he said "Yeah, it's the same thing."
ACKPXTHLQ!! It is NOT THE SAME THING!!! I had to put him on hold and go get a drink of water to calm down a bit;) After that I spoke very very very slowly and verified EACH step along the way.
And it only took 50 minutes.
- A lady called saying another connection was using her modem and she couldn't dial up to the internet. I told her to shut down her computer, leave it off for 30 seconds, turn it on and try again. She said she did this but the modem still was "in use". After going through this about 6 times, I found that she was NOT actually shutting her computer down, she was just sitting there and telling me she was because she didn't know how to shut down or reboot her computer. After giving her explicit step by step directions of what to do, I actually got her to shut it down and she was able to dialup and connect when it booted back up.
The same lady called back later that evening saying that IE kept performing illegal operations. She said she rebooted and it still did that. The she told me that it doesn't always do it, it just sometimes does it(IE is notorious for this). I tried to explain to her that that wasn't anything that our service did(she SWORE he computer had never crashed before), and that it was just something that happened sometimes.
I told her we could try to reinstall IE from the setup CD she got from us, she told me it "wouldn't let her". I asked her what she meant, and tried rephrasing several times, including "read me EXACTLY what's on the screen".
She would ALWAYS either say "There's nothing but icons" or "It just says I can't". After going through this for about 20 or so minutes, I was still getting nothing more specific than "It just says I can't" and "Look, I'm completely computer illiterate"(All I was asking her to do was read back to me EXACTLY what came up on the screen when she put the setup CD in the drive!), and I was getting desperate to get RID of her, so I told her that if I couldn't get a clearer picture of what was happening that I couldn't be of very much help. I suggested she get in contact with the people she bought her comptuer from, or that she find a friend who's knowledgable about computers to try to help her out. We haven't heard back from her since.
- I got a call from a lady who first demanded to know why it sometimes took her over 8 hours to download her email.
The call is as follows:
C: Hi, I'd like to know why your email servers are so slow?
Me: Well, there's currently nothing wrong with our systems, what seems to be the problem
C: Well after 8 hours my email still wasn't done downloading so I stopped it, and now it's not there anymore. It's unacceptable that it should take me 8 hours to download my email(NOTE: She has a 56k dialup account with us).
Me: 8 HOURS?! Did you send yourself a large file?
C: I sent myself a file from work, it was pretty big, but I don't know how big. I need that file!! It's UNACCEPTABLE that your service is so slow!!
Me: Okay, let me check the mail queue...okay ma'am, the mail queue is currently empty. Do you recall at all how large the file was?
C: Oh I don't know, I think around 250MB.
Me: ....250MB?! Ma'am, we have a policy that email attachments cannot be over 2MB in size unless we're notified ahead of time. Files that large slow down our systems, and we usually go in and delete them if we haven't had prior notification of something over 2MB coming through.
C: Oh....
Me: On top of that, you have a 56k dialup account. A 250MB file would take more than 8 hours to download at those speeds. It has nothing to do with OUR systems.
C: Oh, so you mean the file's not there? I NEED that file, what should I do?
Me: Well, you could go back to work tomorrow and have it put onto a CD for you, or you could notify us for clearance to send the file to yourself again.
C: Oh..okay...bye.
5 minutes later the same lady calls back, only now she's MAD.
C: Hi, I called 5 minutes ago about the 250MB file. It is TOTALLY *%&#!&! UNacceptable that you won't allow files that large to go across your system!! I NEED to send myself those files!! I DEMAND you flag my account so I don't have to call you, because that's a DAMNED inconvience for ME! In fact, let me talk to your supervisor!!
Glad to get rid of her, I transferred her. I heard about the rest of the call from the supervisor:
S: I'm sorry ma'am, but we can't allow 250MB-1GB files to be routinely sent across our systems to a dialup account. It takes up too much bandwidth and would slow our system down for all of our users.
C: Well that's UNACCEPTABLE!!!! Your systems should be able to handle things like that!! I NEED to send those files to my home computer! I DEMAND you flag my account so I can!
S: Well, I can transfer you to the manager's voicemail, but I doubt you'll be allowed to do this. My suggestion is you put in a request to your company for a CDRW drive so you can copy the files to a CD and just bring them home.
C: Look, I PAY for this internet account, I should be able to send ANY files I want, and file size shouldn't matter!! It's not MY fault if your equipment is bad!
The conversation went in circles like this for about 20 minutes. After that the customer simply said "FINE!!! I'll find a GOOD %&$#*!@ ISP then!!!" and slammed the phone down. She honestly thinks every other ISP in the area is going to let her transfer 1GB files through on a regular basis. Too bad we couldn't tell her she'd be searching for life.
- I had one guy on Wednesday(6/22/00) night who was convinced he had 120MB of RAM in his 486/33SX.
He had 8.
For some reason he had Win95 and Norton Utilities 2000 on that poor system. He called because IE5 said "You must have at least 12MB of memory to run setup"
Call is as follows:
Me:"Okay, how much RAM do you have in the system?"
Cust:"120MB"
Me:"120MB should be more than enough to install IE5...what speed is your processor?"
Cust:"It's a 486/33SX."
"Okay, sir there's no WAY you could have 120MB of RAM. The motherboards that the 486 chips go on don't support much more than 32MB."
Cust:"It's a custom built machine."
Me:"Sir, that doesn't matter. There is no way a 486 motherboard can have 120MB of RAM. I don't care WHO built it, it's impossible."
Cust:"But it's a custom built machine, and Norton says I have 11,200 megs. That means 120MB"(figure that out..even if it DID mean MB, 112 does NOT equal 120!!).
Me:"Okay sir, would you right click on My Computer and go to Properties"
Cust:"Wait, the machine's not on, I have to boot up"
5 minutes later....
Cust:"Okay, my computer and properties right?"
Me:"Right."
Now he's stalling..."You know, I don't understand why this doesn't work! I had IE5 installed before but I took it off because I didn't think I'd nead it."
Me:"When did you have IE5 installed?"
Cust:"About 2 years ago."
Me:"IE5 isn't that old."
Cust:"Well that's what the disk says."
Me:"Do you still have the disk?"
Cust:"Yes."
Me:"Read to me what's on the label."
Cust:"Internet Explorer 3.0 Setup"
Me:"Sir, do you see the difference here? Your old version was IE THREE, the one you're trying to install is IE FIVE."
Cust:"I thought they were the same. The other one worked, why won't this one?"
Me:"Because you need at least 12MB of RAM to install it. Have you gone into My Computer/Properties?"
Cust:"Yep!"
"Okay, now how much RAM does Windows say you have?"
Cust:"8MB."
Me:"Okay, well there's the problem. You can't install IE5 until you add some more RAM. Good luck finding it though, most 486 motherboards take 30 pin SIMMS and they don't make those anymore. You could try to find them in a used computer store, or buy them off of ebay, but it probably wouldn't be worth the cost."(Okay so I have one 486 that takes 72pin)
Cust:"Well what if I take off Norton Works 2000? Will that free up some RAM?"
Me:"Sir, you only have 8MB of RAM to begin with, removing Norton will free up some harddrive space for you, but it will NOT give you more RAM."
Cust:"Well could I take it off and try to reinstall IE5 again?"
Me:"You could, but it won't work."
Cust:"It'll work, I'll delete Norton and that'll free up some memory and I'll be able to install IE5 then, right?"
Me:"No. You don't have enough RAM."
Cust:"Well, thanks for your help, I'll just uninstall Norton and install IE5."
The guy didn't even listen to a word I said!!! I'll bet he's still trying to install IE5 on that poor old computer.
That was a 30 minute call that happened TWO MINUTES before I was going to log off and go home!
- We get a LOT of customers with old old computers who bitch about speed then say "9600" or "2400" when i ask them about their modem speed. OF COURSE IT'S GOING TO BE SLOW AT THOSE SPEEDS..and you KNOW they love to go to pages with tons of flash, shockwave, java, etc..etc...then they whine to us that it's too slow, THEN when you suggest they get a newer modem they go silent then say "so what you're telling me is I need a different modem ?"
"Yes."
"well what kind of solution is that?! Why should I need a new modem when this one works!"
"If you want faster speeds you need a faster modem."
"What? that doesn't make any sense at all!" then they go off on rants about how our service is too slow...I'm happy when they start swearing because we can hang up on them then.
- The company I work for contracts out dialup support for about 20 or so different ISPs nation wide. The first thing we ask callers is "which service are you with?"
The answer is nearly always "huh? I don't know! you guys are supposed to know that!"
"We support over 20 different ISPs , which one did you sign up with?"
"Hell I don't know, you mean I have to know THAT?!"
"Yes."
Usually we get around this by asking them which city they live in. It's amazing, they're writing a check every month to a company they don't know exists.
- From our famous customer who calls 3+ times EVERY single day:
She went off on her "how dare you sell unlimited access when I can't get online whenever i want, I shouldn't get busy signals if I'm paying for unlimited access" rant and I cut her off with "Ma'am, unlimited access simply means that you may be connected for up to 4 hours per session and won't be charged anything extra if you're online for more than a certain amount of time per month. It does not mean you'll never get a busy signal."
She hung up on me!! LOL!!! Then she called back 2 seconds later saying her modem wouldnt' dial and said "no dialtone" I said "call Gateway" she said "They say it's YOUR problem" I say "Your modem not responding is NOT our problem, it's a problem with YOUR modem that YOU need to get fixed either by having Gateway send you a new one or by going out and buying a new one. It is NOT our problem that YOUR modem in YOUR machine isn't working." She says in a snotty voice "Oh. Well I guess I'll call Gateway then!" and hangs up on me again. :D
Her modem is flaky like that, sometimes it dials and connects just fine, and other times she gets "no dialtone". She refuses to believe the problem is with her modem.
- C: "Hi, I cancelled my account with you a few days ago and I have problems getting connected and surfing with the new ISP I'm with"
Me: "Uh..well ma'am, if you're having problems with your new ISP you need to call their tech support people, I can't help you."
C: "But the other ISP said it was YOUR software that's causing the problem!"
Me: "Um, that's not really possible, the CD we give to customers is only a CD with Internet Explorer 5 and Outlook Express 5 on it. There's nothing else on the CD."
C: "Oh...well they said it was your bad software that's causing my problems."
Me: "Well if you feel like it you can get a CD from them, which will have the same two programs on it, and just reinstall."
C:"But they said it was YOUR software that was causing me connection problems, YOU need to fix it!!"
Me: "Ma'am, we do not have 'our own software' here, we only ship CDs with MICROSOFT'S Internet Explorer 5 and Outlook Express 5. If you're having problems with your new ISP you need to call them. You can ask them for a CD, you can reinstall IE yourself, you can have THEM help you reinstall IE, or you can ask them to troubleshoot your connection. WE don't have anything to do with connection problems you have with your new ISP."
C: "Oh.....but they said it--"
Me: "Ma'am, I don't care what they said, we only sent you IE and OE. That is Microsoft's software, NOT ours, and I guarantee you they'll send you the same thing(**We get a lot of customers that come to us FROM the ISP in question, they ship IE/OE CDs to their customers as well**). If you're having problems you need to call them, I CAN'T help you with connection problems with another ISP!"
C(Finally getting it): "Oh...well, thanks anyway. Bye."
- "Hi, I can't connect."
"Okay, could I get your username please?"
"username@hotmail.com"
"No no, your *name of ISP* username."
"Oh..um...*yelling across the room* Hey! What's the user...name?"
"Nevermind that, now, you said you couldn't connect. What exactly happens?"
"Well it...I...*across the room again* what happens?? *muffled person talking from the other side of the room* Did you hear that?"
"Um, no, sorry ma'am, I couldn't hear what she said."
"Here, talk to her."
*hands phone over*
"It won't connect."
"Okay, what kind of error message does it give you?"
"It doesn't give me one."**HINT: DUN always gives an error message.**
"What kind of computer do you have?"(hoping I can guess the modem type from the computer brand)
"56k"
"No no, what kind of COMPUTER is it?"
"56k!"
"No..okay...look at the tower, tell me what it says."
"The monitor says Gem..--"
"..no, look at the TOWER, the actual computer itself, the thing with the disk drives and CD-ROM drive.."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Okay, where did you get the computer?"
"At a store. I don't remember where."
"....okay, when was the last time you rebooted?"(Chances are it was a softmodem or winmodem anyway)
"I don't remember, I don't have her reboot, I heard that was bad for Windows."
"Okay, well I want you to reboot and try again and if it doesn't work call back okay?"
"Okay bye."
- "Hi, I'm having problems with my...computer...it...hey! What problem are we having?! *mumbling in background* I can't get on the...in..ter..net thing."
"Okay, what kind of error does it give you?"
"I dunno."
"*mental sigh* Okay, which service are you with?"
"I dunno...something in California."
"Um, we don't have any ISPs in California"
"Oh. *click*"
5 minutes later she calls back
"Hi, I just called, I found out which ISP I have!"
"Oh?"
"Yeah! It's Prodigy! We need the dialup number!"
"This isn't Prodigy tech support, you need to call Prodigy."
"But you said this was internet tech support?"
"Yes, we do tech support for OUR services and OUR customers. You are not one of our customers, you need to call Prodigy."
"Oh...okay! Bye!"
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